Cinderfella and the Pocky Fairies
by D.L. SchizoAuthoress
Summary: [Co-Authored with Ziy] Duo's evil schizophrenic guardian Lady Une won't let him go to the ball to meet Prince Heero. So Duo gets some help from his three fairy-godsomethings...but they have problems of their own, which drag everyone into the fray.


"Cinderfella and the Pocky Fairies"   
a comedy of utterly ridiculous proportions   
  
By: SchizoAuthoress and Ziy  
  
Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom (well, okay, turn left at Germany and go about twenty leagues. That's Sanq.) there lived a young man named Duo. Duo lived happily in the large kingdom scrapyard with his guardian Howard, making mobile suits from junked cars and washing machine parts.   
  
But one sad, sad day...Howard died. He was buried at a luau with roasted pig and hula dancers and enough tequila to drown a moose. But after the party was over, Duo had to (drunkenly) face the fact that he had a new guardian: the evil schizophrenic Lady Une! With her two sadistic daughters, Relena and Dorothy, she worked poor Duo like a slave. He was always cooking and cleaning and stuff like that...   
  
Now, it was clear to all that Duo was much more beautiful than his new guardian or her two *EVIL* daughters, even though he was a man. In a jealous fit of rage, Relena forced him to sleep by the fireplace, where he was to tend the coals at night so that the fire could be worked up again in the morning. Dorothy, who was much more evil than her sister, would hit Duo all the time, and tell him that he was ugly. Lady Une simply treated him like trash.   
  
Duo was very sad, and so whenever he was at the house, he always wore a glum expression. But when he went outside, he always had a bright beautiful smile on his face. Little did he know that three small figures were always watching him.   
  
One of them had big violet eyes, the other red, and the last one, who was the only boy of the group had black. They knew what kind of torment the poor, lonely boy was going through.   
****  
Up in the HUGE Sanq castle, King Milliard and Queen Lucrezia were planning a birthday ball for their son, the delish hottie Heero! (Yes, everyone thinks he's hot...) They sent out cool invitations made of solid gold, which most of their subjects melted down to make counterfeit gold coins, and hired caterers from all over the world.   
****  
Back at Lady Une's house, Relena and Dorothy were dancing around chanting "We're gonna meet the pri-ince! We're gonna meet the pri-ince!" Duo scowled and dropped the invitation on Relena's foot.   
  
Lady Une laughed. "Girls, haven't I taught you about *ambition*?! You're not going to just meet the prince, one of you is going to *marry* him!!"   
  
"I am!" Relena yelled, hopping up and down holding her crushed foot. Dorothy pushed her down.   
  
"No, I am!!" the freakily-eyebrowed one shrieked. She backhanded Duo and yelled, "Servant! Do my hair!" And so began the *EVIL* sisters' preparation for the ball.   
  
"Servant! Get my blue dress!"   
  
"Servant! Draw my bath!"   
  
"Servant! Wash my feet!!"   
****  
Meanwhile, the black-eyed little figure growled about injustice, the red-eyed girl followed him around and glomped him repeatedly, and the purple-eyed formulated a plan to help poor Duo, who was currently washing Relena's feet. (shudder.)   
  
"Damnit onna! LET GO!" the black hared pixie shouted in the pretty little one's face.   
  
"Aw, quit yer bitchin' Wufei." the violet eyed one said. "I need to think this through..."   
  
Little Ziy knew of the devilishly handsome prince, and she also knew that he had always preffered boys over girls. An idea sprang into her head.   
  
"HEY WUFFIE!!" Ziy yelled into a bush.   
  
The black eyed pixi stuck his head out of the pile of leaves, looking just a little flushed. "Huh?"   
  
"I need you to go get Quatre and Trowa, the forest spirits for me."   
  
"Do I have to?" he whined. "Right now?"   
  
" YES!"   
  
He glanced back at the bush piteously and then took off. Sakura then stuck her head out of the same bush, her hair was also messed up and she was a little flushed.   
  
"I hate you." she growled at Ziy, who simply smirked at her.   
  
As Duo sat brushing out Dorothy's long blond hair he let his thoughts wander. 'I really want to meet the prince' he thought. ' And just have one dance with him. That's all. Then maybe I could get out of this place...'   
*****   
Wufei sulked on his way to the forest abode of his old high school buddies Trowa and Quatre. Tapping on the door, he was enthusiastically greeted by the blond sprite, invited in for tea, and other guest-like things that happen when you go visit Quatre.   
  
Explaining his involvement with Duo and the whole marriage ball in Sanq took only a few minutes, and the two promised to meet with the three guardian fairies at midnight that night.   
*****   
"I told you I wanted a pumpkin!" Ziy yelled. Quatre flinched.   
  
"But Ziy! Pumpkins are SO out of style!"   
  
"Out of season." Trowa corrected.   
  
"I brought you a strawberry..." Quatre offered, showing Ziy the red fruit. Ziy rolled her eyes.   
  
"It'll do." she snapped huffily. Then she conjured up her wand (a chocolate pocky stick) and yelled, "Hey, you two! Get out here! We've got magic to work!"   
*****   
The young prince Heero sighed as he looked out side of his palace window. it was a beautiful day, and everyone was bustling about.   
  
"Getting ready for the ball." he muttered. "Why can't my parents just accept the fact that I don't want to get married?"   
  
"PSST!" a small voice said from the windowsill.   
  
"Huh?" he looked around, but didn't see anything.   
  
"Down here, you idiot!" the voice snapped. He looked down to see a little figure with dark hair and dark eyes. "Yeah, me, the sprite! Listen up little prince, because if you mess this up, I'm never gonna get to be with my love, and you're gonna end up with a horrible wife, and everything will be a huge mess!"   
  
If you are referring to the ball then it is already a mess," he sighed.   
  
"Damnit Heero, it doesn't have to be. As of right now, there are a whole lot of sprites who want to see you and one other be completely happy, so here's the deal. There's gonna be a boy, but he's gonna look a lot like a girl, at the ball tonight. You'll know him the moment you see him. IF YOU LET HIM GET AWAY, YOU WILL BE STUCK IN A LIVING HELL! And, there are going to be two blonde sisters there, do not dance with either of them! One is an S&M Queen and the other is a leech. You won't get rid of either of them. Be careful Heero! Your future happieness is at stake!"   
  
With that the little anal justice freak of a fairy flew away, leaving behind a stunned prince.   
  
" ... Thank you." Heero said, long after the sprite had flown off.   
*****   
Duo watched forlornly as his two stepsisters and his stepmother climbed into a coach and headed off towards the palace for the ball.   
  
"You really wanna go to that, don't you?" a small creature said as it landed on his shoulder.   
  
"Yeah, but I..." his eyes got huge as he looked at the sprite on his shoulder. Ziy grinned at him.   
  
" SAKURA! THE PURPLE DRESS!" she called as the violet eyed boy looked at her in complete shock.   
  
"Aye aye, capin'!" Sakura said with a salute. She waved her pocky stick and yelled, "Purple Dress!"   
  
There was a poof of strawberry-pink smoke and Duo was clad in a slinky, form-fitting purple dress...well, the minimal amount of fabric that can be called a dress.   
  
"Sakura, you fool! That's your dress!" Ziy fumed.   
  
"I know! Give me a sec..." Sakura's eyes gleamed evilly. "Muhahaha...purple ball-gown for a femme Duo-chan!"   
  
In a flash Duo was in the ball gown, his hair and makeup were done artistically, and he looked drop dead gorgeous!   
  
"Ah, I love it when I'm perfect!" Ziy sighed happily.   
  
Wufei flew up and saluted. "Everything is going according to plan!"  
  
"Excellent." Ziy said with an evil smirk. "Are the Nymphs in position?"   
  
"Yes ma'am! They are awaiting the lady Duoette's arrival as we speak!"   
  
"Perfect!" she turned to Sakura. "You're in charge of getting him there, got it?"   
  
Sakura saluted and flew off to where Duo's veggie coach was waiting for him.   
  
"My plan is working perfectly, and if I do this right, someone's gonna get laid tonight!" she then frowned. "No, not you Wufei!"   
  
The black haired sprite snapped his fingers as his face fell.   
*****   
"So what are we supposed to do?" Quatre asked Trowa as he fidgeted in his outfit.   
  
"We wait for the she-male to show up, and then we take the two drooling goons out of the way." Trowa replied as he looked at the two sisters.   
  
"Do we have to?" Quatre whined.   
  
"Yes, we have to. Otherwise Ziy and Sakura will kill us dead."   
  
"D-E-D, dead?"   
  
"D-E-D, ded."   
*****  
An as-of-yet unidentified character grinned wickedly as he watched the veggie coach bearing Duoette to the ball. "Muhahahahaha...If I thwart this good deed of the pocky fairies, that hottie fudge-panda-cookie fairy is mine!"   
  
[Note: "Guardian Fairy Handbook" Chapter Ten, Section 4, Paragraph 2, Sentance 3--"If a guardian fails to complete the granting of their subject's 'heart's desire' said guardian will be drafted for military duty."]   
  
Guess who is the as-of-yet unidentified character?   
*****  
Heero was attempting to scare away the girls that wanted to be his wife by glaring at them. So far, he was unsuccessful. Besides, he kept hearing that freaky little sprite's warning.  
  
"IF YOU LET HIM GET AWAY, YOU WILL BE STUCK IN A LIVING HELL! IF YOU LET HIM GET AWAY, YOU WILL BE STUCK IN A LIVING HELL! IF YOU LET HIM GET AWAY, YOU WILL BE STUCK IN A LIVING HELL!" Wufei's little magicked fude-panda-cookie chanted unnoticed in Heero's ear.  
  
Suddenly, Relena appeared, followed closely by an Uzi-toting Dorothy. Heero blinked. I like the impressive hardware...  
  
"It's the leech and the S&M queen! Run!!!" the fairy-cookie screamed. As slowly as he could Heero began inching toward the foosball tables (Queen Lucrezia is a foosball nut).  
*****  
Quatre noticed the two sisters and went to intercept them on their way to the prince. But just as he was about to speak, it felt like he'd run into a brick wall. He shook his head to clear away the chirping birdies and walked back to where Trowa was.  
  
"Problem?" Trowa asked flatly.  
  
"Yeah." Quatre answered. They wandered over to the refreshment table; once there, Trowa whipped out a bottle of Scotch and poured it into the punch bowl. At Quatre's surprised glance, he shrugged and explained,  
  
"Robin Goodfellow is my grandad."  
  
"Ah, the Puck instinct to cause mischief."  
  
"That, or a drunken orgy...one of the two."  
*****  
But we're getting off track. The splendid Duoette had arrived, dragging her...um, I mean HIS 'attendant' Sakura along.  
  
"You're here already! Let me go!"  
  
"What if something goes wrong?!" Duoette hissed.  
*****  
The handsome and dashing young prince Heero saw Duoette immediatly, and felt like he was going to pass out from the boy's beauty. He could immediatly see through the disguise, and his heart leapt into his throat at the thought that someone as beautiful as this creature would brave this ball in drag just to meet him.   
  
He strode over towards him purposfully, intending on asking him to dance right there, when a sudden leech attached itself to his arm. He turned and saw the Relena-bitch clinging to him, attempting to press non-existant breasts against him as her eyes shone feverishly.   
  
"I knew you couldn't resist me forever." she slobbered, "and then when I saw you walking towards me (although he was going in the opposite direction) I knew that you would be my Prince Charming!"   
  
She wrapped her arms around him, not even giving him room to breathe, and spun out onto the dance floor, stepping on his feet the whole way.   
*****   
"That wasn't planned." Ziy said from a dark corner. She had made herself human sized, and was having a bit of trouble with a drooling old man.   
  
Her attentions were then turned over to the punch bowl, where the sulking Dorothy had started to drink the punch. The most interesting look passed over the blonde's face, and she finished her punch in a single gulp, before fishing out another, and another, and another, and another...   
  
"This isn't gonna be pretty when this is over." Ziy said, holding her head to stop the headache that was forming as Dorothy staggered off towards the dance floor, sloshing punch everywhere.   
*****   
"Ooh, that Relena-leech has got YOUR Heero!" Sakura fumed to Duoette. She waved her wand and called out, "Wufei!"   
  
"Yeah, hon?" Wufei asked.   
  
"Dance Duoette over to Prince Heero. I'm going to make the orchestra play 'The Swedish Table Dance.'" And before the dark-eyed fairy-boy could even argue, Sakura vanished.   
  
"Dammit." He cursed. He grabbed Duoette by the arm and snarled, "Don't touch me anymore than you have to."   
*****   
Meanwhile, the evil-minded General Trieze of the Fairy Armed Forces watched all this with jealous rage. "Damn that she-male! He's got my man!"   
  
The orchestra started to play "The Swedish Table Dance," and Treize stomped out to join the fray...um, I mean dance. He knocked people out of his way, obviously making a path to the dude in drag and the fairy.  
  
Relena had dragged Heero over to a side table and chucked him up onto it. She was the Swedish Table-Dancing Champion five years running, even though she wasn't Swedish in the least.   
  
"Lemme show you my moves!" She exclaimed, "I shall impress you and win your heart with my table-dancing prowess!"  
  
However, there was a plus to being on that table. Heero realized that his love was in danger!! Yes, from his slightly elevated perch, he observed the rabid general attacking everyone and getting ever closer to Duoette!  
  
"Omae o korosu!!" He yelled, leaping up onto the chandelier and swinging down like a storm of fury upon the evil Treize.  
  
"Oh, dear God..." Ziy groaned, banging her head against the wall as utter Chaos errupted on the dance floor.   
  
Limbs of different guests were flying through the air as Heero and Treize desperatly tried to kill each other, Heero for the sake of his true love, Duoette, and Trieze for his obsession, the pocky fairy consort Wufei.   
  
"Sakura, for the love of God! Go save your boy-toy before Treize gets his mitts on him!!" Ziy yelled.   
*****  
"All right, this is freaking enough." Wufei growled, stomping over to the brawling pair. He shoved Heero off of Trieze, and dragged Treize to his feet.  
  
"Um...hi, baby." Trieze said sheepishly. A nervous tic was starting to develop in Wufei's eye. He pushed Treize into the wall and screamed,   
  
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU 'I'M NOT YOUR BABY'?!?!"  
  
Sakura stopped, glanced back at Ziy and shook her head, clearly saying, 'I'm staying out of this.' Ziy nodded that she understood.  
  
"Err..it's been about fifty times in the last eternity, Wuffie-chan." Trieze answered nervously. You could almost hear Wufei's mind snap.  
  
"MY NAME IS NOT WUFFIE-CHAN, IT'S WUFEI! AND 'NO' FREAKING MEANS 'NO,' YOU OBSSESIVE LEECH!" Wufei grabbed his wallet and snapped out the little plastic photo sleeves. He waved it in front of Treize's face.  
  
"And she is...?"  
  
"MY GIRLFRIEND! MY GIRLFRIEND, YOU IDIOT!"  
  
"You have a GIRLFRIEND?!"  
  
Wufei slammed his head against the wall. "That's what I've been trying to tell you."  
  
Trieze blinky-blinked a few times. Then he smirked, "Okie-day, I'll leave you alone then. On one condition..."  
  
Wufei stopped trying to build a new doorway with his head and looked up at Trieze suspiciously. He growled, "And what would that be?"  
  
"Kiss me, Wu-chan!"  
*****  
Instantly, Trieze went flying into the other room through the wall. Sakura had just nailed him in the back of the head with a Pocky-fairy Aerial Spin Kick (tm). She then grabbed her boyfriend and yelled,   
  
"Dammit, I've been through enough today so if you don't let Prince Heero marry Duo, I'll bring about the Apocalypse!"  
  
So they got married. And King Heero and the Regent-for-the-position-of-Queen Duo lived happily ever after. Lady Une ran off with General Trieze, Dorothy became the notorious propieter of the Moulin Rouge, Relena ran off with a poor, deluded Swedish hunk, Sakura and Wufei ran off to Avalon, the former Royals of Sanq went to the Bahamas for a permanent vacation, and Ziy disappeared into an alternate dimension to get rid of her #@$@#$@ headache.  
  
THE END  
[Thank GOD!] 


End file.
